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A Nosh of Jewish Wisdom: Every wedding has its worries, but let the joys be more.

I am the youngest of four sisters; one lives near me, the other two back East. Eldest Michelle has always been bossy, controlling and opinionated, the self-designated vays.

At 23, her twins, Sarah and David, are far less self-confident and self-sufficient than my children, in part because Michelle has managed so much of their lives. Sarah got married last year; we gave her a very large cash gift to help her relocate to a new town and escape working for her mother.

Now David and his long-term honey whom Michelle dislikes have eloped. Michelle says they should be punished for depriving the family of a spectacle.

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What say you? But whatever the form, gifts should come from the heart, not from any sense of obligation.

They should certainly not be used as a weapon or punishment. Though circumstances may vary, the primary gifting reason is the same: My simplest answer is one of equity: What you do for one generally sets a precedent for what you should do for the other.

Have the young couples over for a party you host and toast daye beginnings of their new lives. David divorced me when Michael was 7.

Be sure to find some indulgent reward for yourself, so choosing the moral high road gets reinforced. You are not alone. Thousands of women face exes for weddings, bar mitzvahs, family reunions, funerals or any place the mishpocheh gather.

Instead of seeing this as a punishment or test, find the opportunities it offers you to look composed, gracious, happy, generous and self-sufficiently rid of your very ex ex. You should look divine and drop by their table, albeit briefly.

Send the new honey home with a centerpiece. About Ask Helen.

For advertising information, please contact advertise ojlife. Dear Helen: